Jokes (Stolen from HeeroYuy0905 of GW of AG)

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 5:11 pm Post subject:

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
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Songs for the flash frozen.

Marquise Revan De Wilde · Posted: Tue May 30, 2006 7:05 am Post subject:

An Italian man visiting New York wrote back to his wife. (sorry if this offends anyone)

[read with an Italian accent]
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheits on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheit. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on'a my bed. He say you better not sheit on'a bed, you son'a ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.
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There will always be that little bit of night your flashlight can't scatter...that's we're I'll be waiting.

Anime Otaku Chik · Posted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:48 am Post subject:

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I
could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and
told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb
blonde' jokes we've been hearing."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde
replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her."

"And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch ..... it's a Lexus."
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JetBlack87 · Black Dog Joined: 27 Mar 2006 Posts: 318

Oldie but a goodie.

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 5:33 pm Post subject:

While walking down the street one day a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf; and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
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Songs for the flash frozen.

Kerushi · Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:27 pm Post subject:

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.
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I'm not gay but I was born a lesbian ... WTF?!

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 1:05 am Post subject:

Hee hee! Good one, Keru.
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Songs for the flash frozen.

MidNightBlue · Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:17 pm Post subject:

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: ;Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it...
============== =
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Te ch support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Sorra · Otaku Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 440 Location: San Jose

LMAO

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 5:12 pm Post subject:

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
_________________

Songs for the flash frozen.

MidNightBlue · Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:38 pm Post subject:

Eww, that's so nasty.

MidNightBlue · Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:45 pm Post subject:

"When she told me I was average, she was just being mean".

"Old statisticians never die they just become nonsignificant."

"It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest."

"A statistician is someone who is skilled at drawing a precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion."

"Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily."

"Statistics means never having to say you're certain. [With apologies to Erich Segal]"

"97.3% of all statistics are made up."

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject:

So a guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."

The guy says, "Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
_________________

Songs for the flash frozen.

LostInWonderland · Otaku Joined: 22 Jun 2006 Posts: 395 Location: Denver, CO

Ew!

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"You left me for a TREE!?"
"I'm environmentally friendly, get over it."

"A watcher scoffs at gravity."

GrinfilledCelt · Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:51 am Post subject:

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the $h!+ out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
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Songs for the flash frozen.