I need critics!! My only reader is too nice!
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Cowboy Bebop Front Forum Index -> The Cowboy Bebop Front
View previous topic :: View next topic  

wanna read?
yeah yeah!
87%
 87%  [ 7 ]
nope nope
12%
 12%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 8

Author Message
Zippy T
AG Refugee
AG Refugee


Joined: 09 Jun 2006
Posts: 76
Location: Lala land

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm having one heck of a blond day today, but I gotta ask this having seen some of the other versions of this story before. When you do the final draft, it IS gonna be written like a novel right?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks Jj, lmao yeah trust me this is nothing like a novel's setting yet, it was mainly to organize the story's events like a comic does. I'll probably end up doing it in third person. I was really lazy with this part of the thingy (hence the lack of detail as Jj fixed for me.) since I"m randoming it from memory and this is the fith time I"ve rewritten it... I hate rewriting things Blue_PDT_01_26' I'll try to do better now that I see it hinders your reading, lol I was just plain lazy.

yeah..... Zipora.... yeah it's supposed to eventually be a novel.... I ultimately dreamed of a movie, (I even have the music planned and everything) but there's no way in hell that's gonna happen for like... ten to 20 years if ever Blue_PDT_01_26'... though I think it would actually be easier if I just made a movie like script....
I'm gonna try harder on randoming the next part for you. it's the last one before I actually can use my written notebook that I wrote 95% of the story in.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok here's me not being so lazy lol But it's alot longer.

[Zensekai sits there for several minutes before curiosity gets the better of him. He throws asides the piles of cloth and gets to his feet. He’s in a long half circle shaped room with rubber matted black flooring, a driver’s seating bench up ahead by a glass bubble windshield, and a metal 7 foot high ceiling. Attatched to the curved walls are wooden shelves nailed into the walls with supports to compensate for the circular nature of the walls. They are made to hold dozens of swords vertically like test tube racks. Zen touches one of them- a broad sword with a golden handle, meant to be held one handed, and looks around at the other swords. There’s about a dozen swords on each wall, most are European styles and have on their sheethes. The walls of the vehicle <<<It’s really hard thinking of cars for these dudes… I don’t have a name for their things… Blue_PDT_01_26‘>>> are only about 16 feet long from the cockpit area’s seat to the open back end through which Zipora shoved him inside. Zen hears a sound of footsteps from the walkway terminal thing I don’t know it’s correct name.—and he dives back under the blankets on the floor. He hears the sounds move right past him to the front of the vehicle. There’s a lurch and motor sounds, obviously they’re about to go somewhere. Zen reminds himself to keep quiet but after the driver picks up speed, Zen finds himself banging into the wall from all the wreckless movement on the driver’s part.]

Adult Zen: I felt like I was in one of those James Bond movies in some twisted way. I have infiltrated a secret lair, and was about to die because of this guy’s apparent insanity.

[The car swerves to the right and four swords fall out of their holding places. Zen whelps out of fear as one lands next to him. The driver—in a deep male’s voice—swears and gets out of his seat to go fix things. Zen squirms under the blankets, unaware that this guy is coming toward him and clearly sees something’s alive in his laundry.]
Driver: Well what could that be? A ghost? (pulls up the sheets to see a little boy attempting to eat a bunch of cookies stuck in his shirt pocket) Nope, guess not.
[ Zen now sees him clearly. A short man about, 5,6” with tanned skin and short green hair. He’s about 35 and apparently is a guard or some kind of warrior by his bands of gold armor on top of a leather tunic. <<< I have no way to describe my armors and clothes, they’re too weird looking. That’s the best I could do.>>> The guy’s not angry at all, rather amused by his hitchhiker.]

Zensekai: hello. (is timid)

Driver: So who might you be? And why do you live amoungst my laundry?

Zensekai: I’m not allowed to tell you.

Driver: Is that so? Zipora did something didn’t she? Wait… you’re the PRINCE aren’t you? Oh man have you really stepped in it this time Zipora. (pulls Zen up with one arm and seats on him the Driver’s bench.) So kid what do I do with you now?

Zensekai: I don’t know. Are you a Dragon Knight? I hear they’re bad. You don’t seem bad? (gives the guy a suspicious glare)

Guy: You saw this did ya? (motions to a gold armband on his right arm) Yes, this means I’m a Dragon Knight, and yes most of them are bad. Whenever any guy takes the test to become a Dragon Knight and passes, he’s got to decide whether he wants to go on training and work as a corrupt murderer, or become a desk jockey… I’d rather me a mere teacher to you young fellers than be one of Minos’s gang bangers. So I work with Zipora and the underground resistance groups. I’m Kentori. I guess you’re Zensekai right?

Zensekai: (acting like a kid who’s been busted) Yeah…You live underground? ^^

Kentori: I live in Tintagil like you do. It’s hard to explain, but I work with Zipora and some others to do as much against that man’s tyranny as we can. Which now a days isn’t that much… I can see why Zipora sent you to me son. Clever woman, she knows I’m a sucker for people like you.

Zensekai: ok (is busy noticing the gears on the console infront of Kentori) These are neat. [He looks up to see the background outside of the windshield. They’re on a Sonic the Headchog like highway made of plasma green substance on which the cars eletricly glide along. There’s other vehicles all over it <<< I haven’t taken the time to design their cars, space vehicles isn’t normally my thing>>> They’re obviously stuck in traffic and are going about 60-80 miles an hour by how the back ground is moving. The high way wraps around a mountain range – not blasted into it like our highways – and along these mountains is an incredible amount of rose bushes. They’re all in bloom even though it’s winter. Snow swirls about in the wind, and collects on the windshield. Zen looks everywhere in amazement. They swoop through a misty wave of fog and down a hill in the highway to reveal a metropolis city miles below. It’s nearly night by now so the lights glow as they go through the clouds into the path to lead into the city down below. Zen quickly realizes the fog they passed through was the cloud cover and looks afraid]

Zensekai: It’s so high UP!!? 0o

Kentori: Hahaheh, don’t be afraid kid. The world is always bigger than you think it is.

Adult Zen: That was the reoccurring theme of my life. If you would’ve told me about Earth back in the day I would’ve thought it was some hotel in Tintagil that foreigners stayed at during their visits. The world only got larger and larger from that day on.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
jjjynx
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master


Joined: 25 Mar 2006
Posts: 1462
Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Give me a few hours, and I'll read it...a little busy with company
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol okie Jj
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
jjjynx
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master


Joined: 25 Mar 2006
Posts: 1462
Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This might sound a little harsh...but is it just me? or is the genre turning into comedy?

And a question to anyone reading this...is it wise to place James Bond and such within a novel?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
LostInWonderland
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 395
Location: Denver, CO

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I'm on a lot of vicoden, so I'm not going to go into a whole lot of critiqueing.

First off, where exactly is this set? Is this Earth, or near Earth? Are there Earth influences? What kind of time is this story set in? You have a lot of clashing cultural influences. Minos was the ruler of ancient Crete, Tintagel was the castle in Cornwall King Arthur was conceived in, James Bond is pretty recent and they don't seem to be very technological in this story. So movie influences would probably be out. There's also lots of Japanese references. If you're really serious with this story, I would suggest coming up with your own titles for royalty, your own styles of clothing and architecture. They don't have to be terribly original, but making everything straight out of ancient Japan will just make it seem pretty unimaginitive.

Descriptions. Work on them. Saying that a girl is wearing something like Yuna from FFX or sounds like Sarah Brightman is all well and good for notes when you're developing a character, but for actual writing you need to find new ways to describe their traits. Also, don't use smiley faces. It makes it very hard to take the dialogue seriously.

And to repeat what's already been said, the narration is just confusing. Voice overs only work when you can have the voice actually going over the picture. In books, the voice is the picture. And also I'd like to reiterate the lack of a hook. It feels like there's something important in the story that we should know but don't, and instead of making me curious about what it is, it just makes me uninterested in the events.

Remember, I'm not trying to be mean and tear apart your hard work. Just constructive criticism.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
swollenlymphnodes
Janitor
Janitor


Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 1540
Location: Cybertron

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 4:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah I had the same thoughts when I heard the Yuna description. I wanted to rewrite your first section as a sample... but alas I'm just so busy nowadays. Blue_PDT_01_13
_________________
nodes aka GTBaka
PDT_Zamourai_11 PDT_Zamourai_10 eh?
*Eternally Lurking*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the yuna thing's cuz there simply is no other way to explain it shortly. Dudes this is not even a rough draft. This is like putting the dots down before you number and connect them. This is like an orgainization of the events in the story, that's why so much detail's not in there. There's a part where it explains perfectly where they are and all but I haven't gotten to type it up yet Blue_PDT_01_26'. please help Zipora....

The cultural thing, if you must know there's 10 different cultures in the place, I stereotype each one in these descriptions now because I don't pictures of how each one looks and dresses yet. There IS it's own style, but if anyone can simply explain how my clothes style looks in general terms without putting them on there please try. This is a place the size of a dwarf galaxy.... on earth we have HOW many cultures? Wouldn't make sense for everyone to be the same would it? There's 10 regions in Masamune... as gets exlained later clearly.... One of them is a thing in which they have nature parks and a natural setting once the crap on the royal bloodlined is explained it's a place where they train the higher powered royals. I'm not stupid I know not to put "yuna" in the book Blue_PDT_01_26'

For some of the guys I just used the terms for names. For instance Terrabyl... turns into Terrasyl for another castle later.... Lost will get what that means if no one else does.... I always wanted to rename Minos, I just can't think of one... feel free to suggest. There is a reason for some names being mythological as they end up being refered to as gods when the humans and other aliens finally come into the picture, but that's spoilers.

please help back me up Zipora... I give up exlpaining Blue_PDT_01_13
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
jjjynx
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master


Joined: 25 Mar 2006
Posts: 1462
Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Dudes this is not even a rough draft. This is like putting the dots down before you number and connect them.


That was our question, you just had to answer, thank you.

Quote:
I'm not stupid I know not to put "yuna" in the book Blue_PDT_01_26'


That means no James Bond either, that was my second question, thank you.

Quote:
There IS it's own style, but if anyone can simply explain how my clothes style looks in general terms without putting them on there please try.


I can try for Yuna, and alot of other clothes by giving out their original names and describing it's patterns briefly...actually that's pretty much all you need, since "Priestess Clothes takes it's own form in many ways, but no matter how you describe it's colours it's up to the readers to imagine how it works out. But then since you already said you won't be using Yuna, and such terms within the real thing, then I suppose there's no problem with that, you know what you're doing now.


Meanwhile, unless I'm mistaken, what you mean to say is you're platting down what they're supposed to say, what they're wearing on each and every event, and will finally plot them up to become a Draft when you're all done and confirmed with the timelines and events. And what we're required to do is make sure there is no mistakes, am I right?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YES I love you Jj ^^ I suck at explaining 0o. What you're supposed to do I suppose is your choice though, you can continue to give me narrative ideas like you are, but I was mainly just hoping you'd like and enjoy the story.... It is the purpose of reading to teach and entertain so I was just hoping you'd like the story and give me ideas of how better to chuck in things such as the missing background on Minos and other thingys. The intro is always the most bumpy thing I'm glad you pointed out how messy it is, I was lazy at randoming the begining but it's still more or less the same events I had and they are still lacking something.

anyway here's the next part. After this I have my other notebooks to reference so the story's course will be cleaner and more refined. I just purely randomed what's on here so far from memory lol. Yeah there's weird comedy in it just becasue I get bored and it becomes depressing in the later books due to something in this one that I can't tell you Blue_PDT_01_08



Kentori: (with a smirk on his face) You know old superstition says the roses on this mountain range bloom for the Emperor. I’ve never seen anything flower in the middle of winter before.

Zensekai: Flowers grow in my house.

Kentrori: I suppose that counts. [ They finally get to the flat land which curves into the city areas. Under the pass into the city is a towering Gate. I don’t know how big I want it to be maybe like 15 stories…. It’s got golden mounted designs on it’s frame and is opened. The big rounded doors are dirty and the art work on them is hard to make out. The gears that open and close the gate’s tracks are rusted and look unworkable. Zen stares in awe as they pass under it. It has no lights on it so the art on it is hard to see.]
Ironcially, that was called the Gate of Roses. It’s basically just a big sign post saying the royal family rules Tintagil. Or it did. Minos accounted for, this stucture’s had it’s better days.

Zensekai: Where are we going anyway?

Kentori: I’m going to take you to a place where you can see all Masamune in a short time. That is your goal isn’t it?

Zensekai: yeah it is!! Can you really do that?

Kentori: ( finally enters the urban part of the skyscraper city) It’s right here. It’s called the Coast of World Trade. It’s not a beach, but it’s a long, cresent shaped area of land where the different regions of Masamune all sell their goods together. I can take you there, but I have some important business to do. I was heading over there when you made stunning appearance. I can leave you here if you like. I’m not sure when I can make it back to get you though.

Zensekai: ok ^^

Kentori: (basically takes a standard highway exit and comes to a curb on a strip mall street. The shops are on average only two stories and are less fantastic than the skyscrapers. There’s everything you’d expect from a strip mall: food places, clothes stores, and small stands set up on the large sidewalks. The clothes sell everything from kimono robes to vests and tunics. Zensekai passes a booth selling metal jewelry and waves goodbye to Kentori as he turns his “car” around.) Bye Kid!

[The strip mall goes on for as long as the eye can see. It has breaks with streets in between every few blocks all which T with the street along the strip mall. Zensekai wonders around looking at all the gizmos and gadgets in what would their version of a cell phone booth. I’m too lazy to think up all their technology just to see it in this scene so forgive me for being vague again. Zensekai walks down the smooth tanned red sidewalk. It’s wide as an average single lane street is. He looks around then becomes frightened by something. He realizes that he doesn’t know what to do from here and calls to Togada who’s the brains of their plan to get out of Tintagil.]

<< I know you guys said this before, but there’s a reason why Togada’s not explained at all right now. It’s supposed to seem like it’s an everyday thing to Zen—who’s point of view is the story anyway—and it has storyline significance. You’ll see what’s up with her so there’s no need to ask why she’s odd. oh btw, only Jj will probably remember but this chick was the girl in the kimono I described to you as Sorra eons ago. Sorra's still in it, but togada the kimono fire girl now. I'll just say Togada ends up being renamed Sorra later on for a reason.>>

Zensekai: No… Togada!! (jumps around looking for her. She walks up from his left and shoves a random passer by out of the way. She looks exactly the same as from that morning.)

Togada: I’m here Fire Top. What’s going on? I see you managed to pull off our covert operation.

Adult Zensekai: Fire Top was my declared nickname, if Togada ever called anyone by their real names I knew it wasn’t a good sign.

Zensekai: Yes. Now what do we do? I’m sleepy…

Togada: Well there’s bound to be an inn around here (she hands Zensekai a white cup with a pink smoothie looking drink and a straw.) I thought you’d need an energy booster.

Zensekai: THANKS! (takes it and drinks it down)

Togada: Well you’re a happy kid. (talks one of his left hand and walks down the street with him for around 10 mintues) I don’t see one. You should ask someone for directions Fire Top. I would but I’m… me so I can’t. (shrugs and disappears again.)

Zensekai: ok. (walks over to a guy he sees. The guy’s a huge guy, 6,7”. He has very short blond hair and a long contoured face. He’s in a black water proof cape cloak, pants, and boots. His top has a layer of a white long sleeve dressy $h!+, and red vest. He’s got 3 paper bags of different colors filled with loads of items. The moment Zensekai opens his mouth to say something the guy interrupts in a deep manly happy to help voice.)

Guy: Are you lost son?

Zensekai: yeah I’m looking for---- (the guy interrupts his sentence)

Guy: We got to find your parents boy!

Zensekai: I’m on my own right—

Guy: You can call me Lucious ok?

Zensekai: ok? I just need directions to---

Lucious: What’s your name son? ^^ (his happy expression and deep green eyes scare Zensekai who just wants to finish a sentence.)

Zensekai: What was that phrase again? Oh yeah! I’m not at liberty to reveal my identity.

Lucious: Eh? (picks up Zensekai and makes his right arm a seat for him to sit on. Zensekai’s shocked and looks around as if to ask someone what’s just happened.) You’re an odd kid aren’t you? Don’t worry I’ll find your parents!

Adult Zensekai: I gave up trying to tell him he’d never find them there. I was a tired, worn out child and before I knew it I had drifted off to sleep. (kid Zen closes his eyes as Lucious runs around asking adults if this is their son) Who knows how long he searched, Lucious was always a rather optimistic man.


Last edited by Sorra on Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:26 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

btw how do you like the segments I"m posting? Are they too long or too short? I tried to break it up for yo.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
jjjynx
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master
Jeet Kun Do Kung Fu Master


Joined: 25 Mar 2006
Posts: 1462
Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's fine, we get time to read, and it's not that long either.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's good then. That's another good thing about script, you don't have to say "he said" after everything and it's faster that way lol.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Sorra
Otaku
Otaku


Joined: 12 May 2006
Posts: 440
Location: San Jose

PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHAT? 0o no one wants the next part? The first action scene's not too far of...

(bumps the thread)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Cowboy Bebop Front Forum Index -> The Cowboy Bebop Front All times are GMT
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Page 2 of 4

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Bluetab template design by FF8Jake of FFD
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group