I need critics!! My only reader is too nice!

[Sorra]

yeah CCS people remember my never ending attempts to find a way to start Zensekai's books. Well I gave up on narration and frame stories and stuck to my favorite script form now, and I actually got a whole book done!! YAY!!

I'm looking for readers and an editor perhaps lol. I have typoes yeah, and screw ups yeah, so I'm looking for your ideas! May I ask though, if you see a problem in my writing to give a solution or suggestion to it? I lost the book i made the first 2 chapter things in so I randomed them from memmory... they're going to be rough since I don't know where the stupid thing went off to, but it's still along the same point.

I'll give a chapter every few days or so, when at least one person ---other than Zipora--- tells me they've read the whole thingy and want the next part. I'll keep them relatively short don't worry.

[Sorra]

Little Zensekai


[Scene starts in a bed room with red fluffy carpet, lamps and a bed with a huge canopy. The bed has sheets very intricately embroidered to make it resemble its own world with trees, oceans, buildings ect, in a kiddish style, of course. It has a desk and table stand next to the bed. A small red headed boy gets out after dazing awake and looking at the snow falling from his window. He has on white pjs. The boy wraps himself in the elaborate comforter and walks down the hall to see a little room with a round table, a few men a few women dressed in uniforms resembling hotel waiters chat about random jokes. The boy passes them and goes on to another room with a couple large wooden wardrobes line the walls. For the sake of it getting old calling him “boy” I’ll just tell you right now his name’s Zensekai.]

Zensekai: >> I’ll have to fill their shoes with water again this afternoon…they never listen to me!! (A whoosh behind him makes him look over his shoulder. He sees a girl about 17 with long blond hair tied back with a beaded cord. She has a Kimono similar to Yuna’s from FF10 and a string of beads hanging loosely from her waist. She kind of dissolves into the light as she just appears) Togada!! They’re not paying attention again.

Togada: psh! Why don’t you just dress yourself, and go out today? They’re not paying attention at all.

Zensekai: Minos tells me I can’t…

Togada: Who cares what HE says? I don’t mean strolling around the palace anyway…

Zensekai: You mean go into the city?

Togada: Exactly! About time you did too. I’ll pack your stuff!

Zensekai: I’ll get in trouble later…

Togada: You’re the PRINCE of Masamune! They can’t tell YOU what to do! ^^ (raises her arm in a “go” gesture and hits Zensekai on the head with her sleeves)

Zensekai: (his hair fluffed up from the Kimono sleeve and he puts it back in place) OK!! ^^ Lets go!

[The scene changes to a door way, it’s open, leading out into a less fabulous carpeted hall of a brown and green pattern. Zensekai wears a red, velvet made like “Karate” tops how one side ties in front of the other and pants made of the same thing. He has a golden head band of leaves and “halo” looking figures that pushes his hair out of his eyes. Togada floats around him, levitating in a cat like position with her knees pulled up. She once again hits Zensekai in the head with her sleeves and hands him a flat packet of cloth. He tucks it in his kimono jacket which poofs out as a result.]
Adult Zen narrator: I’ve never really been one to ever take “no” for an answer. Probably because all the older guardians I had raised me that way, and the fact that no one could really stop me.

Zensekai: Togada how do we get out of here?

Togada: Well you just walk down the halls and go in the elevators!

Zensekai: That’s it? Ok! Wait… We’re leaving Tintagil right? I’ve got to go get something first.

Togada: I put all the stuff you need in that bundle.

Zensekai: No! It’s that one thing! The one thingy… the thing…

Togada:… Ok?... I’ll wait for you while you go get it then. (she vanishes)

[Zensekai walks down various halls and comes to a huge red wood bridge on the outside of all the glass windows. It’s to lead over a bunch of cliffs that have a roaring waterfall. The waterfall sprays mist from the left side of the bridge. And a Japanese Torii, or red gate extends from the end of the bridge all the way down into the basin of the water fall. Zensekai giggles at the sight and runs into another building at the end of the bridge. Inside is a swarm of teenagers running to do chores. Mostly girls in Japanese Priestess red and white kimonos, the crowd moves out of the way for him as Zensekai rushes by. He passes a hall with rooms on both sides of it. Priestesses are writing scrolls, hanging out with their friends or doing various things in them. After a while he comes to a non carpeted hall with doors on several sides, he proceeds to the left, dodges a guard in uniform and opens a double wooden door that stands out above any other. The doorframe has a line of light that turns red when Zen walks through, then the door disappears all together. Zen gasps and moves inside. There’s a path, stairs and torches to line them in this room at the top is a platform with a 25 foot gate on it. It’s covered in Gold and designs. The floor is embedded with gold plates and jewels in a murrel of a Phoenix. Zen stares at the room in awe for several minutes. Then goes to a groove in the Phoenix, and pulls out a golden amulet on a chain. It’s a simple golden ring with characters written on it, and a jewel in the middle. He shoves it in is coat pocket and runs back out.]

Zen: This was the first time I had been to the Priory of the Phoenix. It was the teaching spot and headquarters of all clerics and priestesses. They were our doctors and spiritual leaders and it took them years to learn their arts. My mother had once been here and worked amongst them. What I took was something that made all the old people around me go bonkers when they spoke of it. I didn’t know why, just that it was important to them, and I was just not going to leave it there with them.

[Sorra]

sorry if the script's not what you're used to.

[Zippy T]

Me likes, but like you said before, I dont' count, so yeah....have you fixes the Minos/soldier thingy?

[Sorra]

yeah the Zen adult narrations will work on that. but I didn't want to give it all away untill the 2nd book. Zen's uncle explains it to him, plus that's alot of info on it's own to take in for the first book lol.

[jjjynx]

Sorry if I'm a little mixed up....that looks like a play/book, not a novel or something else altogether....so is it a play script?

[GrinfilledCelt]

[Sorra]

Ok It's script becasue my main goal was to get the scenes and events down before I struggled to decide bewteen 3rd person or a frame story narration. I had so much to put into it that I was just doing the scenes. It's gonna be boggly but this is just my 2nd draft. I actually did it before without the adult Zen narrations,you prefer that? I can just get rid of the adult Zen, it just made it easier for me to put details in for you that I couldn't fit into the scenes themselves. I was actually trying for a middle ground between novel and script... considering there's at least 5 books in the first part alone I'm just aiming for the major scenes... just tell me after the next section if you'd prefer adult Zen to stop narrating, I tried that out just to fix this one flaw Zipora found early, instead of explaining it 3 books from now...

Thanks Grinfield Cat! ^^ you guys are awsome!! The more readers the better!

[Sorra]

ok here's the next part since you guys didn't die out of boredom yet.

[Zen goes back to his room’s hall completely un noticed. Togada poofs back up and gives him a high five.]

Togada: There we go kid! Good idea! Ok now just follow my directions! Go to the front of the castle, if you get lost ask a lady that looks like she’s rich. The noblewomen are suckers for cute kids like you. She’ll point you the way you need to go.

Zensekai: ok! (He walks down the hall again then switches on a door and goes into a subway train shaped elevator room. He finds a random lady in a rich blue hoop skirted dress) Miss, how do you find the front of Tintagil?

Lady: OH My dear are you LOST!!? (scoops him up and sits him next to her) I’ll take you there! I was just on my way to the are with my friends! (motions to 3 other ladies in various European dresses)

Zensekai: Thank you… (He looks creeped out by all the women more or less petting him.)….

Lady 2: Are you hungry!? (gives him a cookie which he eats gladly)

Adult Zen narrator: My servents ignored me, my father lived across Tintagil- a castle the size of a continent- and my mother was dead. I had to admit getting attention and food at the same time wasn’t so bad, even if I was basically they’re temporary cat. None of the guards asked me anything at all, they just assumed I was someone’s son by the way I was being fandoled. The nice grown ups took me all the way to my destination

[They go into a balcony area with an escalator and reveal a 6 story mall with a maze of stair cases leading to shops everywhere. Facing the escalators is a massive wall covered in windows. The sun lights up the area. It’s snowing outside now. Zen laughs like a kid.]

Zensekai: ok thank you! I can find my way on my own now!

Lady: You sure well you can look for us over there (points to a shop) if you need us again! Byebye! Good luck! (walks off with her friends)

Zensekai:…wow!! (wonders around.)… Hey I’m hungry… (He wanders into the fanciest restraunt on the floor. It’s a Japanese style obviously from the front entrance way, called Nirvana. Zen wonders what to do when a little girl with short curly blond hair comes up and seats him. She has a cute winter Kimono on and takes him to a private room with a sliding door. It has a window to look out upon a center stage. Zen stares around happy to be in a new place. The girl gives him a menu and speaks softly.)

Girl: My name is Enfiniti, and my mother will be here to entertain you shortly. Please choose what you wish to eat and drink, and I will be back shortly. ( she bows, opens the door and backs out of it on her knees)

Zen: ok… (scans the menu)… what’s “Clongi?...” eww what’s that…. It’s green…. And… (he looks up on stage upon hearing a roar of cheering. And sees an announcer on the stage.)

[swollenlymphnodes]

I read it briefly, but not thoroughly enough to critique it... but I'm partial to novel writing myself. They permit you to directly speak to the reader and paint the picture... instead of parenthesis describing the background, I like to focus on the descriptions as being a part of the story.

In a reading format the Adult Zen narration is a little confusing at first. I can understand what you were trying to accomplish as striking a middle ground between 1st and 3rd person and if converted into moving picture format... I can see it working. No critique or advice yet... but keep it up, and after I pay more attention I can think of something to say.

fondaled = fondled?
_________________
nodes aka GTBaka
eh?
*Eternally Lurking*

[Sorra]

cool thank you Swollen!

I tried to make each post sorta short.... considering there's over 200 pages of script in total 0o...

[Hungry Mongoose]

Well, I was bored and decided to give it a read through... it's interesting so far, but it really lacks that "hook" needed to pull readers in. What I'd like to see more of at the first part is a better explanation of what the setting is - it'd be nice to get an idea of the general region before going into specific locations. It'd also be nice if we could get a better understanding of what Togada means to Zensekai.

I don't really like the script format much myself, but I can understand why you use it. Still, descriptions are much more interesting to read when they're emotive. It could possibly work nicely as a comic, though that would be time-consuming to create.

Adult Zen is ok for now, but for an actual novel format I don't think his narration would fit. If you went 1st person, a lot of this information could be conveyed by the younger version, and I'm sure in 3rd person there could be another way to present it.

I felt the second post was weaker than the first, though it may have been because the events were less important. The part with the lady just seems a little unconvincing and boring for me.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. It's really too early to have any clue where the overall story is heading so I can't comment on that, but even though there's a lot of room for improvement, it has potential. It just depends where you take it. Keep it up! You certainly seem to have the willpower, which is more than I have.
_________________
PARTY TIME.

[Sorra]

woot thanks Mongoose. Yeah the introduction is always the hardest thing for me to figure out, my first idea for that was a frame story of adult Zen telling his story to US Colonel... but that quickly got wierd He'd be narrating to her for days on end in order for him to tell her his whole story lol. I was sorta worried too for you males out there becasue the main character is 8 and all the fight scenes are limited cuz of that...

yeah sorry about that...

and intro good idea! (boy this is gonna be crappy)

They're in a land called Masamune. Zensekai's 8. There's a dictator in power named Minos. Minos sort of has half of the complete control over the country. The land is one big city the sixe of a dwarf Galaxy... They're located in the royal Castle/Capitol -the sixe of a continent on it's own named Tintagil. Minos is a bad dude obviously. The rest gets explained after about 2 more posts of story. Zen has to ditch the castle first.

[Sorra]

I kind of barrowed Zipora's Zipora... if that makes sense for this one character I have. She'll get renamed eventually but for now she'll just be herself. ^^


Announcer: as requested, here is the famous Zipora! (walks off the stage)
[ A woman with mid-back long blond hair, shimmering blue eyes, and winter kimono walks on stage. She’s a rather tall lady, 5,10” and has a voice like Sarah Brightman.]

Zipora: well hello…? Yeah…. Well someone asked me to dance for you… so… (lazily swishes around a fan to the music.) ‘….

[Enfiniti comes back in and puts a plate of food infront of Zensekai. He woofs it down like any guy would.]

Zensekai: Thank you!!! [on the stage, Zipora walks off of it after finishing her make shift “dance” and goes around the floor to Zensekai’s room. She kneel enters like Enfiniti did. Enfiniti leaves before Zen looks up from eating. He sees Zipora after a while of her sitting there wondering when he’ll take a breath of air.]

Adult Zen: I didn’t really care about dancing or the pretty ladies until I saw her- Zipora! She looked just like all the old pictures of my mother. The fact that she knew who I was by my hair and her clairvoyance didn’t help. So I did what any kid would do. I just adopted her as my mommy.

Zipora: Hi you. I was wondering when you’d show up.

Zensekai: 0o…. Mommy?

Zipora: Uhhhhh…No… She’s dead honey…

Zensekai: (hugs Zipora)

Zipora: ‘…. Oh boy… Ok Zensekai, I’m not your mommy… But I’ll look after you?

Zensekai: ok! ^^ Wait, how’d you know my name?

Zipora: (attempting to unwind his glomp off of her) Everyone knows who you are, only I actually know which of the little boys with red hair you are. I knew your mommy, but I’m not her. My name’s Zipora Amateratsu… I am… or was a priestess… I guess I’m an entertainer now.

Zensekai: You mean the red and white ladies that make pictures in Tintagil?

Zipora: uhh yeah them. Anyway kid we need to get you out of here! We can’t have anyone finding you. The gaurds are morons, we don’t have to worry about them, but the Shingai…. They’ll likely try to kill you if they realize you’re here.

Zensekai: Why? You mean the sheet guys who wear black sheets? ^^

Zipora: uhh yeah them. You know Minos right?
Zensekai: I don’t like him >>

Zipora: The Shingai work for him. Being the last of the royals able to do your duties, all Minos has to do is kill you and Masamune is his entirely.

Zensekai: that’s bad right? 0o

Zipora: ^^’ yes darling. Are you done yet?

Zensekai: yeah… 0o

Zipora: ok come with me. (they get up, she leads him behind the store into a thing that looks like the L shaped walkway you’d use to go into an airplane.) Ok go inside don’t worry! This guy owes me a favor anyway. He may be an old fart, but you’re used to dealing with old guys aren’t you?

Zensekai: my dad’s old and fat? 0o (looks confused)

Zipora: I”ll take that as a “yes”… Bye bye! (scurrys away after covering Zensekai in a load of blankets)

[jjjynx]

After this part I'll break it to you Sorra, Mongoose is right for the part where this should be make into a comic rather than a novel, or a script. Unless you try changing your writing style when you start doing your narration, and some of the parts for comic relieve, especially Zipora's and Zen's dialogue.

I'm saying this firstly because of the way you've written things down makes me feels that you want the sets to be majestic, and wants readers to understand what settings Zen and co. are currently in by going through with the brief descriptions of scenes, too brief, perhaps.